This paper invites you to consider a more adaptive view towards happiness and suffering which may change your life. It suggests that the old paradigm of seeking pleasure and avoiding pain is no longer adequate in the current digital age, and a new paradigm of embracing and transforming suffering is needed in order to achieve mature happiness, even in trying times. More specifically, I propose that a comprehensive understanding of happiness and suffering needs to encompass  the following four ideas: (1) it is more adaptive to accept suffering as an inevitable part of life, (2) one needs to go through hell in order to reach heaven, (3) existential intelligence, also known as life intelligence (LQ),  is needed for living a good life in turbulent times, and (4) a reorientation of value and life attitude begins with the “Aha!” moment of Sisyphus.

How can I be Free from my Struggles and Live a Happy Life?

Man is born broken. He lives by mending. The grace of God is glue.

– Eugene O’Neill, Thirst, 2007

Everyone wants to be happy, but so few are truly happy people. Why is it so difficult to find happiness? Perhaps the following questions help you understand the scope of the issues you have to deal with:

• Do you know anyone who is not struggling with some concerns, such as health, money, or relationships?
• How often do you experience the inner moral struggle of doing the right thing?
• How often are you tormented by shame and guilt for violating your own conscience?
• Do you have any secret sorrows or hidden wounds?
• Do you know what you really want in order to be happy?
• Are you troubled by your inner critic and self-doubts?
• Do you know how to be free from your negative thoughts and emotions?
• Have you found out the best way to live your life?
• Do you remember the times when you were truly carefree and happy?
• Are you tired of having to deal with selfish and fake people?
• Do you have a soulmate who truly understands you and cares for you the way you are?
• Do you know of any workplace which is free from toxic people?
• Is it possible to be free from all the people or things that bother us?
• Where can we find a sanctuary where we feel safe and fully accepted?
• Is it possible to have a sense of control when facing the existential threats of the pandemic, climate change, and the prospect of nuclear war?

The above litany of woes indicate that we may be broken people living in a broken world and we have to contend with all kinds of internal and external problems which we have little control over. No wonder it is so difficult to find the liberation we need to live a happy life. The Korean drama, My Liberation Notes, portrays several ordinary people who are struggling with their personal problems. At the end, they are able to find some promise of liberation and happiness, but not in the way they had expected (Conran, 2022).

In this brief paper, I will present my answer to this persistent question about happiness based on my decades of research. There are four parts to my answer:

1. Life is full of suffering; you just have to accept it.
2. You need to go through hell before you can reach heaven.
3. Cognitive intelligence (IQ) and emotional intelligence (EQ) are not enough; you also need life intelligence (LQ)
4. Enlightenment and the “Aha!” moment of Sisyphus

It may be rewarding for you to find out why these conclusions are supported by both research and real-life examples.

Life is Full of Suffering

It does not matter whether we look at our own lives, at other people’s lives, or at the world stage: we cannot get away from the reality of suffering. This is not just my personal negative bias because I was a war baby growing up under Japanese occupation. We all have a negativity bias because it was selected by evolution for our survival (Baumeister et al., 2001; Carmody, 2020; Hanson, 2013). I have written a series of papers documenting the universality of suffering (Wong, under review; Wong, Mayer et al., 2021; Wong et al., in press).

Recent statistics tell us the same story about recent increases in stress and mental illness during the pandemic (Abrams, 2022; Angus Reid Institute, 2022; CAMH, 2022; Crist, 2022). No one likes suffering, yet it is an inescapable fact. Paradoxically, with all our progress, it is more difficult to avoid or escape from our problems than our stone-age ancestors, because most of the monsters are no longer visible and identifiable entities; they are our shadows. inner demons or traumatic memories (International Society for Traumatic Stress Studies, 2022; Manson, 2022; Mateo, 2022). In short, we cannot escape from ourselves.

The paradigm of fight-or-flight is no longer effective when we try to escape from ourselves or fight against the powerful systems or bureaucracies that are inherently biased against minorities and insensitive to individual needs. Furthermore, both aggression (against others or against oneself) and escape through addiction can create more suffering.

Hanson (2014) has demonstrated that the new paradigm of embracing and transforming suffering can turn it into enduring happiness. Other researchers have arrived at a similar conclusion: that we need to accept or transcend our limitations and sufferings (Fowers et al., 2017; Popova, 2011; Wong, Arslan et al., 2021).

Thus, the first lesson is to change our attitude towards suffering. No matter how painful or difficult, it is no longer helpful to regard suffering as a hated enemy to be attacked or avoided. A more adaptive way is to regard suffering as a tough teacher we need or as an evil twin we need to get along with.

The recent book Why be Happy? The Japanese Way of Acceptance (Haas, 2020) illustrates how the Japanese find more calmness and life satisfaction by accepting that life is full of suffering. Growing up in China, I was taught at school and at home that enduing suffering is the key to survival and success. I wish that more children in the West would learn the same lesson.

There is No Happiness Without Suffering

I can see you shaking your head or say something unprintable.

But wait a minute, let me explain.

Why is it that so many people want happiness but cannot find it? The simple reason is that they do not know that they must go through deep valleys and overcome obstacles in order to reach the mountaintop. Another metaphor to express the same truth is that you cannot reach heaven without going through hell, as suggested by Carl Jung and explained by the following figure.

“Without suffering, there’s no happiness,” claims the renowned Buddhist master Thích Nhất Hạnh in No Mud, No Lotus (2014). In his book, he shows us that the only way to find true happiness is learning how to embrace and transform pain and suffering through mindful breathing and meditation.

In addition to Buddhist psychology, there are other spiritual paths to demonstrate that without suffering there is no enduring or mature happiness (Wong & Bowers, 2018). There are several proven ways to find mature happiness or deep joy. For example, Sorokin’s (1950/2010) study of altruistic love is based on the Christian teaching of agape. Viktor Frankl’s (1985) Man’s Search for Meaning, and Wong’s (2016, 2020) extension of Frankl are predicated on the assumption that we spontaneously make sense of what happens to us (Wong & Weiner, 1981) and suffering is more bearable when we can attribute some positive meaning to it. Maslow’s (1971) sense of transcendence and Kaufman’s (2020) revised view incorporates the need to integrate both positive and negative experiences. The greatest discovery of psychology in modern times is that human beings have the innate capability to turn suffering into strength and growth.

All the above pathways to mature happiness begin with accepting adversity or suffering as a foundation, but they don’t stop there. The second element of commonality is that they all involve a fundamental reorientation away from egotistic concerns towards other people and the highest ideals.

Yes, we need the kind of happiness that is stronger than suffering and stronger than death – it is strong enough not only to provide us a sanctuary from fears and despair, but also a source of positive energy for creativity, altruism, and compassion. The next section discusses the kind of wisdom we need in order to turn suffering into blessings.

The Important Intelligence We Need to Live Well

What is the most important intelligence we need in order to live well and die well? We need academic intelligence in order to do well in school and get into a prestigious profession. We need emotional intelligence in order to be successful in our career and relationships. Wong (in press) argues that the life intelligence is most needed in troubled times and presents seven principles of wisdom of the soul.

Howard Gardner (1999) recognized existential intelligence as the ninth type of intelligence, but it attracted little attention until recently. Gardner (2020) wonders why we have a resurgence of interest in existence intelligence and considers the pandemic as the direct cause. With mandated lockdown, we had time to reflect on the big questions of life and death and have a sense of agency to make sense of this brief and fragile life threatened by coronavirus and its variants. Jajal (2020) further expands Gardner’s view:

“Gardner defines existential intelligence as ‘a concern with ultimate life issues.’ A candidate for this intelligence is based on the human proclivity to ponder the most fundamental questions of existence. Why do we live? Why do we die? Where do we come from? What is going to happen to us?”

George Vaillant (1993) documents how the mature wisdom of the ego can help people find the wisdom and strength they need to transform all their troubles and obstacles into creativity, strengths, and enduring happiness. Finally, McLaughlin and McMinn (2022) point out that wisdom consists of enlightened knowledge, mindful detachment, inner tranquility, and self-transcendence. In times like this, we need this kind of spiritual wisdom in order to find enduring happiness and live a good life.

The “Aha!” Moment of Sisyphus

Finally, the turning point of re-orientation occurs when we have a moment of awareness or awakening. If awakening was as easy as an epiphany, then more people should become enlightened. The truth is that such transformational moments rarely happen when everything is going well in life. They are more like the discovery of a distant a star after a person is near exhaustion and despair after a long and futile search in the dark. They are also more like Sisyphus moments of awareness and awakening. This is what I wrote about Sisyphus (Wong, 2005):

“Camus’ Sisyphus (1955) was condemned by the gods to roll a stone to the top of a mountain with enormous effort only to see it roll back to the bottom, thus symbolizing the absurdity of life. But at the end of the story, Camus wrote that Sisyphus must be happy, because he dared to defy the gods and performed the difficult task willingly and creatively. Thus, Sisyphus was able to transform the hopeless ordeal by virtue of his defiant attitude and meaning making.”

Thus, the answer to our initial question – “How can we be free from our struggles and enjoy a happiness life?” – is a moment of awakening that we have been asking the wrong questions.

The first mistake is that life itself is a constant struggle as illustrated by Erickson’s (1963, 1982) stages of development. It is through the struggle and achieving the developmental task in each state that we can grow and bear fruit.

The second mistake is to conceptualize happiness as being free from sadness or stress. On the contrary, true happiness can only be found in learning how to surmount our suffering or failure and transform it to mature happiness based on the spiritual wisdom of faith, hope, and love.

In our opening quote, Eugene O’Neill (2007) refers to God’s grace for his healing and recovery from his addiction. George Vaillant (1993) explains that:

However, love is not enough. Cure seems impossible without hope and faith. Early in Long Day’s Journey, Mary Tyrone tells us she has lost her faith in a higher power and cries out, ‘If I could only find the faith I lost, so I could pray again!’ (p. 343)

I hope that after reflecting on the ideas in this paper, you may have a Sisyphus moment so that the struggle itself is enough to fill your heart with joy.

References

Abrams, Z. (2022, June 1). High stress levels during the pandemic are making even everyday choices difficult to navigate. APA Monitor, 53(4), 28. https://www.apa.org/monitor/2022/06/news-pandemic-stress-decision-making

Angus Reid Institute. (2022, January 24). Pandemic fatigue: One-in-three Canadians report struggles with mental health; 23% say they’re ‘depressed’. https://angusreid.org/pandemic-mental-health-addictions/

Baumeister, R. F., Bratslavsky, E., Finkenauer, C., & Vohs, K. D. (2001). Bad is stronger than good. Review of General Psychology, 5(4), 323–370. https://doi.org/10.1037/1089-2680.5.4.323

CAMH. (2022). Mental illness and addiction: Facts and statistics. https://www.camh.ca/en/driving-change/the-crisis-is-real/mental-health-statistics

Carmody, J. (2020, January 10). Why we are hard-wired to worry, and what we can do to calm down. The Conversation. https://theconversation.com/why-we-are-hard-wired-to-worry-and-what-we-can-do-to-calm-down-127674;

Conran, P. (2022, May 31). Netflix K-drama review: My Liberation Notes is a rich and rewarding journey like few others. South China Morning Post. https://www.scmp.com/lifestyle/k-pop/k-drama/article/3179844/netflix-k-drama-review-my-liberation-notes-rich-and

Crist, C. (2022, March 10). Most Americans report overwhelming stress levels: Poll. Web MD. https://www.webmd.com/anxiety-panic/news/20220310/americans-report-overwhelming-stress-poll

Erikson, E. H. (1963). Childhood and society (2nd ed.). Norton.

Erikson, E. H. (1982). The life cycle completed. Norton & Company.

Fowers, B. J., Richardson, F. C., & Slife, B. D. (2017). Frailty, suffering, and vice: Flourishing in the face of human limitations. American Psychological Association.

Frankl, V. E. (1985). Man’s search for meaning. Washington Square Press. (First published in 1946)

Gardner, H. (1999). Intelligence reframed multiple intelligences for the 21st century. Basic Books.

Gardner, H. (2020). A resurgence of interest in existential intelligence: Why now? HowardGardner.com. https://www.howardgardner.com/howards-blog/a-resurgence-of-interest-in-existential-intelligence-why-now

Haas, S. (2020). Why be happy? The Japanese way of acceptance. Hachette Go.

Hanh, T. N. (2014). No mud, no lotus: The art of transforming suffering. Parallax Press.

Hanson, R. (2013). Hardwiring happiness: The new brain science of contentment, calm, and confidence. Harmony Books.

Hanson, R. (2014). Buddha’s brain: The practical neuroscience of happiness, love & wisdom [Speech audio recording]. Brilliance Audio.

International Society for Traumatic Stress Studies. (2022). Recovered memories of childhood trauma. https://istss.org/public-resources/trauma-basics/what-is-childhood-trauma/remembering-childhood-trauma

Jajal, T. D. (2020, November 9). The importance of existential intelligence in organizations. Medium.com https://medium.com/awecademy/the-importance-of-existential-intelligence-in-organizations-a613ba5a92bc

Kaufman, S. B. (2020). Transcend: The new science of self-actualization. Tarcher Perigee.

Manson, M. (2022). How to overcome your demons. Mark Manson.net https://markmanson.net/how-to-overcome-your-demons/

Maslow, A. (1971). Farther reaches of human nature. McGraw-Hill.

Mateo. (2022, April 29). Shadow self: How to embrace your inner darkness (3 techniques). Loner Wolf. https://lonerwolf.com/shadow-self/

McLaughlin, P. T., & McMinn, M. R. (2022). A time for wisdom: Knowledge, detachment, tranquility, transcendence. Templeton Press.

O’Neill, E. (2007). Thirst: And other one act plays. HardPress Publishing.

Popova, M. (2011, September 12). Transcending fear in the creative process: 5 timeless insights. The Atlantic. https://www.theatlantic.com/entertainment/archive/2011/09/transcending-fear-in-the-creative-process-5-timeless-insights/244922/

Sorokin, P. A. (2010). Altruistic love: A study of American good neighbors and Christian saints. Kessinger Publishing. (Originally published in 1950)

Vaillant, G. E. (1993). The wisdom of the ego. Harvard University Press.

Wong, P. T. P. (2005). The power of determination and commitment. Positive Living Newsletter. http://www.meaning.ca/archives/presidents_columns/pres_col_mar_2005_determination-and-commitment.htm

Wong, P. T. P. (2016). Self-transcendence: A paradoxical way to become your best. International Journal of Existential Positive Psychology, 6(1), 9. http://journal.existentialpsychology.org/index.php/ExPsy/article/view/178

Wong, P. T. P. (2020). Made for resilience and happiness: Effective coping with COVID-19 according to Viktor E. Frankl and Paul T. P. Wong. INPM Press.

Wong, P. T. P. (in press). The best possible life in a troubled world: The seven principles of self-transcendence. Positive Psychology in Counseling and Education. http://www.drpaulwong.com/the-best-possible-life-in-a-troubled-world/

Wong, P. T. P. (under review). Towards a general theory of mental health and wellbeing [Review of the book The Evolution of Life Worth Living, by C. A. Soper]. International Journal of Wellbeing.

Wong, P. T. P., & Bowers, V. (2018). Mature happiness and global wellbeing in difficult times. In N. R. Silton (Ed.), Scientific concepts behind happiness, kindness, and empathy in contemporary society. IGI Global.

Wong, P. T. P., & Weiner, B. (1981). When people ask “Why” questions and the heuristic of attributional search. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 40(4), 650-663.

Wong, P. T. P., Arslan, G., Bowers, V. L., Peacock, E. J., Kjell, O. N. E., Ivtzan, I., Lomas, T. (2021). Self-transcendence as a buffer against COVID-19 suffering: The development and validation of the Self-Transcendence Measure-B. Frontiers, 12, 4229. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2021.648549

Wong, P. T. P., Cowden, R. G., Mayer, C.-H., & Bowers, V. L. (in press). Shifting the paradigm of positive psychology: Toward an existential positive psychology of wellbeing.

Wong, P. T. P., Mayer, C.-H., & Arslan, G. (Eds.). (2021). COVID-19 and existential positive psychology (PP 2.0): The new science of self-transcendence [Special Issue]. Frontiers. https://www.frontiersin.org/research-topics/14988/covid-19-and-existential-positivepsychology-pp20-the-new-science-of-self-transcendence

The post How can I be Free from my Struggles and Live a Happy Life? appeared first on International Network on Personal Meaning.

Are we still a civilized people governed by the rule of law? Have we regressed to barbaric savages in a jungle? Why can’t all the progress in psychology, education, and political science prevent ruthless dictators from murdering innocent people?

More specifically, how can positive psychology help when ordinary people go about their daily business of going to school, enjoying family time, or doing the things they enjoy, but in a split second, find that their happiness and dreams gone up in smoke and reduced to ashes?

As a War Baby, I Know How it Feels to Live Under Attack and Occupation by an Enemy

I feel their pain deeply because I was born in the year when Japan launched a full-scale invasion of China and committed the Nanking massacre, which made Japan the enemy of the international community (Dedes, 2020).

For a period of six weeks the soldiers of the Imperial Japanese Army had a killing orgy, murdering over 300,000 people, with widespread rape and looting. Millions of refugees escaped to safer areas before the army seized control of Nanking. My wife’s family were among the displaced.

Living in Tianjin did not spare me from the horrors of war. Just imagine that you are a little boy (about five years old) and you witness a group of Japanese solders bursting into your house, threatening your family with bayonets, and ordering your family to vacate your residence to the Japanese. Worse still, you aren’t even allowed to take your belongings, not even your favourite toys.

Naturally you would feel shocked and angry. Deep down in your child’s heart, you already know that what they did is wrong and unfair, but no one has the power to stop them.

The same night, all my family had to move out, and I was sent to a relative’s house alone to spend the night in their basement on a wooden board infested with lice. Added to my trauma of being ejected from my own house by force, I felt abandoned and thrown into a dark pit to rot.

This horrible experience might be the seed of my lifelong interest in existentialism and resistance to the naïve idea that the world is safe and sweet. It may also be the reason why I felt the calling to learn more about human nature and how to end suffering.

Based on my own experience and all my knowledge about human nature, I have come to the conclusion that the enterprise of pursing happiness only for oneself is doomed to fail, because we are more interconnected as a human family, and many are suffering. Even when I try to enjoy my food and simple pleasure, the sight and sound of human suffering in Ukraine still fills my heart with grief.

The Horrors of the Vietnam War and the “Boat People”

Human history is a bloody one. Not too long ago, we witnessed the humanitarian crisis in Afghanistan. Further back, we had the Vietnam war, Korean war, and World War II.

One only needs to watch the film Apocalypse Now Redux (Coppola, 2001) to have a sense of the madness and atrocities of the Vietnam war. It tells a powerful story showing how ordinary people are capable of doing very horrible things to other humans. During that war, so many innocent people were killed or wounded, not including the soldiers on both sides of the conflict.

Perhaps, the following photo of the naked “napalm girl” visually tells the pointless brutality of the Vietnam war. Kim Phucin was only 9 years old in 1972 when she was photographed, screaming and running in pain after a U.S. commander ordered South Vietnamese planes to drop napalm bombs near her village.

Burns covered about half of her body, but miraculously she was able to find refuge and healing. Eventually, she grew up to be a beautiful woman with forgiveness and joy in her heart. She has devoted her life to be a motivation speaker in Canada (Stockton, 2017).

Her story restores some faith in humanity and gives us hope that most of the refugees have the resilience to survive and thrive regardless of the trauma they have gone through. I can bear witness that she is just one of the many success stories of refugees from Vietnam.

In the early 80s, while I was still a professor at Trent University in Peterborough, I was personally involved in helping hundreds of “boat people” to resettle. Some of them even came to our home each week for fellowship and Bible study; they were able to share their stories with us while their children played with our children.

Some were raped by the pirates. Some witnessed their family members killed by North Vietnamese solders. Most of them had endured terrible ordeals in their escape from Vietnam, as shown in the following photo (Do & Tran, 2021).

One may wonder what has happened to these “boat people”? I am pleased to say that with their work ethics and willingness to do anything to rebuild a new life in Canada, most of the people that came through my house (as seen in the next photo) have done very well. This picture shows a gathering of refugees, sponsors, local families, and foreign students in my home for some special celebration.

I can provide a long list of accomplishments of these “boat people”, but this may embarrass some Canadians who have not gone through the ordeal by fire and water. Here, I just want to mention the Minh van family. Minh van’s sponsor wanted him to work in his furniture store, but Minh told me that he really wanted to start his own business.

After some negotiation with his sponsor, Minh was allowed to start a small booth in Peterborough’s farmers market, selling home made Vietnamese spring rolls. On some Saturdays, I was able to see how he and his wife operated their business with their broken English but with inviting smiles.

From such a humble beginning, with hard work and resourcefulness, they were able to grow a successful business. Minh’s whole family are in this picture. Years later, their daughter became a pharmacist, and all their sons also became professionals – chartered accountant, optometrist, and physiotherapist. Most amazingly, the tiny booth in farmers market has become a well-established Chinese grocery store as show in the photo of Minh’s Chinese Grocery.

Their success did not come by chance. A great deal of hard work, sacrifice, and discipline have gone into it. They did not complain or protest but put their hands to the plow and turn a desert into a productive farm. Their success provides support of my brand of existential positive psychology – flourishing comes from overcoming suffering.

The Best Possible Life of Flourishing Through Suffering

There is already a great deal of research supporting my suffering hypothesis (Wong, 2021a). More recent research evidence shows that our psychological immune system is stronger than we thought (Aknin et al., 2021; Bonanno, 2021). We can even become better and stronger through suffering according to the new science of existential positive psychology (EPP or PP2.0; Wong, Mayer, & Arslan, 2021), and happiness is possible even in palliative care and for chronical pain patients (Wong, 2022; Wong & Yu, 2021).

In fact, it is an impossibility to have a life full of happiness without suffering as illustrated by the story of the historic Buddha (Lopez, 2020). Recent research has supported this hypothesis, such as research on tragic optimism (Leung et al., 2021) and self-transcendence (Wong, Mayer & Arslan, 2021).

The following principles represent the 7 principles of flourishing through suffering:

1. Accept life as it is with gratitude.
2. Believe in creating a better future with help from Providence.
3. Commit to worthy goals and a life purpose.
4. Discover the hidden treasures by digging deeper.
5. Enjoy and value life.
6. Fear (God) and obey boundaries.
7. Love others as yourself.

A great deal has been written about the above principles. For example, acceptance is the key not only to a meaningful life (Wong, 1998), but also to resilience (Wong 2013; Wong et al., 2006).

The first five principles are the pathways to resilience (Wong, 2016a). The last two principles represent the two greatest commandments taught by Jesus (Matthew 22:36-40); they are the universal principles of spiritual happiness of love, joy, and peace (Galatians 5:22-26). I plan to write a book about these principles of positive mental health.

Conclusion

Suffering is unavoidable and inescapable. The only way to survival and flourishing is learning how to overcome suffering. According to the first Noble truth, life is suffering.

In addition to our inner demons, there are also systemic problems and evil people who can make our lives miserable. History has shown that neither the psychology of happiness nor scientific progress can automatically eliminate suffering. However, there are ways one can overcome and transform suffering, but it requires sacrifice, discipline, and collaborative efforts.

Practicing all the above seven principles daily will transform you into a self-transcendent person. The psychology of the last century may be described as self psychology, with its research agenda focusing on such themes as internal locus of control, self efficacy, self esteem, self-actualization etc. I propose that the new paradigm of psychology for the 21st century is self-transcendence. This is partly dictated by the changes in society and partly by the new trends in research.

The concept of self-transcendence is not new. Frankl’s (1946/1985) concept of the search for meaning revolves around self-transcendence, Maslow’s (1971) revised need hierarchy placed transcendence as the crowing glory of human development. Recently, Kaufman (2020) has extended Maslow’s work and I have extended Frankl’s work (Wong 2016b, 2021b; Wong et al., 2021).

Until there is a re-orientation from ego to others, from self-enhancement to self-transcendence, we will not be able to end suffering and transform it to flourishing. We will also not be able to experience selfless happiness. However, self-transcendence can become our second nature, when we are practicing the activities listed in the previous three sections.

May we catch the vision of self-transcendence. Let our hearts be moved by compassion for the suffering masses. Let our souls be set aflame by the passion to save people from the bondage of suffering into the spiritual happiness of love, joy, and peace. We trust that not only refugees, but all people can become contributing citizens and live productive, fulfilling lives, if they are willing to pay the price of living a responsible and meaningful life.

References

Aknin, L., Zaki, J., & Dunn, E. (2021, July 4). The pandemic did not affect mental health the way you think. The Atlantic. https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2021/07/covid-19-did-not-affect-mental-health-way-you-think/619354/

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Dedes, I. (2020, December 22). The massacre that made Japan the enemy of the International Community. The Medium. https://medium.datadriveninvestor.com/the-massacre-that-made-japan-the-enemy-of-the-international-community-12027bf847b4

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Do, A., & Tran, M. (2021, September 3). As children of Vietnamese refugees, we believe Trudeau must do more for Afghan migrants and refugees. Toronto Star. https://www.thestar.com/opinion/contributors/2021/09/02/as-children-of-vietnamese-refugees-we-believe-trudeau-must-do-more-for-afghan-migrants-and-refugees.html

Frankl, V. E. (1985). Man’s search for meaning. Washington Square Press. (First published in 1946)

Kaufman, S. B. (2020). Transcend: The new science of self-actualization. Tarcher Perigee.

Leung, M. M., Arslan, G., & Wong, P. T. P. (2021). Tragic optimism as a buffer against COVID-19 suffering and the psychometric properties of a brief version of the life attitudes scale (LAS-B). Frontiers, 12, 646843. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2021.646843

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Wong, P. T. P. (2013, October). Acceptance and well-being: A meaning-management perspective [Invited lecture]. Presented at Lotus Hospice Care Foundation, Taipei, Taiwan.

Wong, P. T. P. (2016a). Integrative meaning therapy: From logotherapy to existential positive interventions. In P. Russo-Netzer, S. E. Schulenberg, & A. Batthyány (Eds.), Clinical perspectives on meaning: Positive and existential psychotherapy (pp. 323-342). Springer.

Wong, P. T. P. (2016b). Self-Transcendence: A paradoxical way to become your best. International Journal of Existential Positive Psychology, 6(1), 9. https://www.meaning.ca/web/wp-content/uploads/2019/10/178-13-321-2-10-20171211.pdf /

Wong, P. T. P. (2021a, December 20). The suffering hypothesis: How the new science supports the ancient wisdom of meaningful suffering [President’s Column]. Positive Living Newsletter. https://www.meaning.ca/article/the-suffering-hypothesis-how-the-new-science-supports-the-ancient-wisdom-of-meaningful-suffering/

Wong, P. T. P. (2021b). The Frankl cure for the 21st century: Why self-transcendence is the key to mental health and flourishing. The International Forum for Logotherapy, 41(2), 33-50. Doi: 10.31234/osf.io/tbx3f

Wong, P. T. P. (2022 March 14). My conversation with the National Institute of Aging regarding their death and dying workshop [Invited Talk]. US National Institute on Aging. http://www.drpaulwong.com/national-institute-of-aging-death-and-dying-workshop

Wong, P. T. P., & Yu, T. T. F. (2021). Existential suffering in palliative care: An existential positive psychology perspective. Medicina, 57(9), 924. https://doi.org/10.3390/medicina57090924

Wong, P. T. P., Arslan, G., Bowers, V. L., Peacock, E. J., Kjell, O. N. E., Ivtzan, I., Lomas, T. (2021). Self-transcendence as a buffer against COVID-19 suffering: The development and validation of the Self-Transcendence measure-B. Frontiers, 12, 4229. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2021.648549

Wong, P. T. P., Mayer, C.-H., & Arslan, G. (Eds.). (2021). COVID-19 and Existential Positive Psychology (PP 2.0): The new science of self-transcendence [Special Issue]. Frontiers. https://www.frontiersin.org/research-topics/14988/covid-19-and-existential-positive-psychology-pp20-the-new-science-of-self-transcendence

Wong, P. T. P., Reker, G. T. & Peacock, E. (2006). The resource-congruence model of coping and the development of the Coping Schema Inventory. In P. T. P. Wong, & L. C. J., Wong (Eds.), Handbook of Multicultural perspectives on stress and coping (pp. 223-283). Springer.

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“Woke up early this morning, praying for ways to get through all the competing voices and get my message out. How can I sum up the Meaningful Living Movement in a simple effective statement? Here is my first attempt: To make life better for all, we need to focus on living a reflective, responsible, and resilient life.

This rewarding journey begins with moments of reflection. An unexamined life is not worth living. Today, I need to re-examine my own life — my resources, limitations, and most cherished ideals. I need to contemplate on what really matters and what should demand most of my energy and time. Most specifically, I need to reflect on the various options so that I can decide on the most effective way to launch the Meaningful Living Movement (M4L).”

In response to his posting, Carrina Chan Wong donated $10,000 CAD. This unsolicited contribution was taken as the “Go Ahead” signal from God to launch this project. After much preparation, the project was launched later in 2011.

At the initial first Meetup to gauge the interest in Meaningful Living, over 20 people showed up. After some discussion, the group decided to have two meetups each week in order to accommodate more people – one meetup on Sunday afternoon, and another one on Wednesday evening.

The first round of Meetups consisted of 12 lessons. The format was simple: firstly, a brief meet-and-greet, then a half-an-hour PowerPoint presentation by Paul Wong to be followed by small group discussion, ending with a time of refreshment and social. Each session took about one and a half hour.

Wong (2011) introduced the M4L meetup as a grassroot mental health movement in the Canadian Psychological Association’s Psynopsis. At its height, over 40 people participated in the Meaningful Living Meetup. A video about the meetup in action can be found through this YouTube link.

The M4L project has evolved from its conception as a follow-up course developed by Paul Wong during the 90s for those who have attended the Alpha Course. The re-incarnation of this project in 2011 continued the conversation on a purpose-driven and meaning-centered life, but with a broader vision – it is designed to advance positive mental health for all people regardless of their religious and sexual orientations.

A great deal of energy has been devoted to spread the good news of meaningful living. Over the years, hundreds of people have gone through different M4L courses and lasting friendships have been formed. Some have become members of the International Network on Personal Meaning.

Wong has suspended the meetups for now because of COVID-19. He plans to restart the meetups in the near future. Looking forward, he also hopes that the M4L project can be adapted to different languages and used in different countries for all those searching for meaning in a time of chaos and uncertainty. All the course materials of the M4L project can be found on the INPM’s Website or on the Meaningful Living Project Channel on YouTube.

References

Wong, P. T. P. (2011). Giving positive psychology away. Psynopsis. Retrieved from http://www.cpa.ca/docs/file/Psynopsis/PsynopsisWEBSpring2011.pdf

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Love can be either the most powerful motivation for growth or the most destructive force in your life — it all depends on the kind of love you have embraced.

According to Rubin (1970), love has three components: (1) an affiliative and dependent need, (2) a predisposition to help, and (3) exclusiveness and absorption. Liking is more closely akin to friendship. In his research, Wong has found that liking can be negatively related to passionate love ; in other words, you may be madly in love with someone you dislike, because you mind tells you that he or she is “bad news”, but your heart is still lovesick.

According to Tennov (1979), love is different from limerence. Love is mutual, and is characterized as a great affection and concern for the welfare of the beloved. Limerence, on the other hand, is passionate love gone wild. It begins with a spark of interest, and under appropriate conditions, can grow into enormous intensity. Limerence is a state of cognitive obsession, an unrealistic hope of reciprocation. Almost every trivial utterance or behavior on the part of the limerent object is misconstrued as a sign of love, which keeps the hope of reciprocation alive. A tiny bit of reciprocation, whether motivated by pity of vanity, will result in feelings of euphoria, which inevitably turn to despair and misery. However, limerence can grow into love, when it is completed fulfilled.

Peele and Brodsky (1975) also differentiate between addictive love and genuine love. Addictive love occurs when a person is totally absorbed in the love object in order to escape from an otherwise meaningless and unhappy existence. Such obsession distracts from a person’s ability to pay attention to important aspects of his or her life. Prolonged separation or termination of the relationship can cause “withdrawal symptoms” similar to those of a drug addict.

Lee (1973) has developed a typology consisting of six types of love: (1) Eros, where the lovers search for someone with specific physical characteristics; (2) pragma, where potential love-objects are rationally considered; (3) agape, where the person loves without expectation of reciprocation; (4) ludus, where love is treated as agape; (5) storage, which is similar to compassionate love, and (6) mania, which is similar to addiction love, characterized by cognitive obsession as well as emotional peaks and valleys.

Lee (1973) describes manic lovers as extremely possessive and needy. Unless they become involved with another manic lover, they are likely to be very dissatisfied in their relationships, since no other style can tolerate their excessive possessiveness and intense insecurity.

Sternberg (1986) views love as a triangular structure, consisting of three components: intimacy, passion and decision/commitment. Various combinations of these components result in eight kinds of love: (1) nonlove (absence of the three components),(2) liking (intimacy in isolation), (3) infatuation (passion), (4) empty love (decision/commitment), (5) romantic love (passion and intimacy), (6) compassionate love (intimacy and decision/commitment), (7) fatuous love (passion and decision/commitment), and (8) consummate love (which includes all three components.)

“The above review of the literature indicates that researchers have not come to grips with the prevalence and important implications of unrequited love, which remains an under-researched area. The present conceptual and empirical analysis of unrequited love is part of a larger research program on its process and consequences. It remains a challenge for psychologists to incorporate the construct of unrequited love within the broader framework of intimate relationships.

The literature, music and films are replete with themes of forlorn love. Judging from newspaper advice columns, magazine articles and self-help books (i.e., Halpern, 1983; Phillips & Judd, 1978), the problem of unrequited love seems both serious and widespread. It is not surprising that popular interest in unrequited love has remained unabated, because more often than not people are not able to win the affection of the man or woman of their dream and suffer much as a result.

When one’s love is not reciprocated, a host of negative reactions might follow. In extreme cases, a person may be driven to attempt suicide in order to escape the pain. However, even in milder cases unrequited love causes pain and may interfere with a person’s daily functioning. Unfortunately, such an important and common human experience has not been subjected to theoretical or empirical analysis. Part of the reason for this glaring gap in the absence of a valid instrument to quantity this experience. The present paper will introduce such an instrument after a conceptual analysis of the different kinds of unrequited love.

Unrequited love, as it is commonly known, involves situations in which one person passionately loves an unresponsive object. Tennov (1979) has provided numerous examples of forlorn love. Lee’s (1973) manic lover and Hazan & Shaver’s (1987) anxious ambivalent lover also fall into this category. Each of these describes an intense craving for intimacy, an irresistible cognitive obsession with the love object, and prolonged sufferings caused by rejection and jealousy. The driving force is not sexual gratification, but reciprocation of romantic interest and devotion. We refer to this type of obsessive love as the Classic unrequited love.

There is a second major type of unrequited love which involves a different kind of dynamics. Norwood (1985) wrote a book on women who ‘love too much.’ While she admits that this experience is not solely restricted to women, she believes it is more common in this sex, and therefore confines her analysis to females. These women constantly seek out unhappy relationships with men who are moody, bad-tempered, uncaring and abusive. The interesting finding is that in some cases once the man becomes reformed and begins to show love and kindness, the woman may ‘dump’ this man in favour of another destructive relationship. Apparently, these women are not interested in reciprocation.

Norwood believes that these women deliberately seek out unloving and self-destructive relationships, because their highly negative early family experiences have made them uncomfortable with any real intimacy. Such family situations include those in which at least one of the parents was uncaring, abusive and alcoholic. These women may attempt to relive these relationships in order to ‘fix’ whatever that was wrong in their early family life and to gain the love that was once denied them. Another driving force that operates in these women is their need to be needed. The feeling of being needed gives them a sense of self-worth. Therefore, they prefer unequal relationships in which they play the role of willing martyrs. This type of unrequited love is referred to as co-dependent unrequited love, because it has many of the same characteristics of co-dependency in the field of alcoholic addiction (Cermak, 1986; Schaef, 1986).

Co-dependency is a term used to describe those people whose lives are completely intertwined with a drug/alcohol addict, such as a spouse or lover. The co-dependent identifies with their love object to the extent of losing his/her own identity. The needs and problems of the addict are taken on by the co-dependents as their own. The co-dependents choose to get stuck in a painful relationship, because of their neurotic need to be needed and their own insecurity. Thus, unlike classic unrequited love where the ultimate goal is union, the goal of the co-dependent is the fulfillment of a need to be needed, no matter how unloving and painful the relationship is.

The third kind of unrequited love is less intense, and more common—hence the term minor unrequited love. This type is characterized by one’s perception that one’s partner does not reciprocate one’s love to a similar degree. Minor unrequited love may be only a distorted perception or it may be an accurate portrayal of the situation. In either case, it may result in feelings of dissatisfaction and upset.

The practical implications of studying unrequited love are many. Because it is a negative and potentially destructive experience, psychopathology may develop. Even minor unrequited love may cause marital breakdown and may adversely affect other areas of the person’s life. In any event, research on unrequited love will provide a better understanding of a major source of personal relationship difficulties and emotional distress.”

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Abstract

The coronavirus has drastically changed the world of work and demands a redesign for organizations and individuals in order to meet the numerous new challenges, such as working remotely and a reduction of resources. In this paper, I propose a self-transcendence model with five main modules: (1) Life is about what I can give rather than what I can get, (2) Replace egotistic pursuits with cultivating connections, (3) Replace the tendency to avoid suffering with the courage to confront challenges, (4) Replace manipulations with responsibility, (5) Focus on innovations rather than the shortage of resources.

Introduction

In a recent interview with a BBC reporter on how to cope with the pandemic, I said: “The biggest untold story in positive psychology is that suffering may terrify millions of people, but true happiness is unattainable without it. In fact, the pandemic may be a moment of spiritual awakening. I want to shout from the rooftop: ‘Stop running away from suffering and chasing after happiness, but pause and embrace suffering’. This would be the first step towards finding true happiness and transformation.” In this paper, I want to unpack the powerful idea that suffering can be a blessing in disguise.

Indeed, the pandemic has turned the world upside down. Its economic impact is devastating, with the majority of countries in recession and many industries crumbling (Jones et al., 2021). At the individual level, countless small businesses have gone bankrupt and millions of people have lost their jobs (Congressional Research Service, 2021). How can people stay positive and optimistic when so many things have gone wrong? What can psychologists do to help organizations and individuals rise from the ashes?

From my experience of working with many clients during the era of COVID-19, I have discovered that they felt much better when I told them: “We are all in the same boat, feeling anxious and stressed, because right now life is full of danger and suffering.” Much to my surprise, they responded with great interest when I shared with them the paradox that the more we try to avoid suffering the more we suffer, but when we are willing to embrace our feelings of loneliness, distress, and anxiety with courage, we begin to gain an upper hand of our painful emotions. They were eager to learn more about how they could cope with the pandemic and lockdown better.

Earlier, I pointed out that the pandemic also provides a rare opportunity for personal and organizational transformation if we learn the necessary lessons, such as tragic optimism (Wong, 2020a). In this paper, I want to lay out several principles of self-transcendence which can completely transform our outlook on life help us cope with the current crisis better.

More specifically, in the present paper, I want to emphasize that the new science of existential positive psychology (PP 2.0) is needed for the following reasons:

1. Humanity is facing many existential threats, from the pandemic to our inherent vulnerabilities.
2. We all need to accept and face our dark side of human existence, from tragic events to our Shadow or dark triad.
3. Much of human suffering is existential suffering. Even when we have everything to meet our physical or social needs, we may still be tormented with such existential questions as “Who am I?” “Does life as any meaning?” “What is the point of struggling when we all die in the end?”
4. Life is full of paradoxes. The powerful paradoxical truth is that “only in darkness can you see the stars,” according to Martin Luther King, Jr. In other words, the power of positivity in times of suffering is that we have the innate capacity to shine in the darkness.

Indeed, paradoxically, our character comes from overcoming trials and temptations, mature happiness comes from embracing negative emotions, and tragic optimism results from transcending trauma and despair. There are all kind of psychological and practical benefits hidden behind the surface of adversity. Thus, the new science of flourishing through suffering represents the future of positive psychology as I have advocated during the first decade of 21^st century.

A New Paradigm of Self-transcendence is Needed for the Future of Work

From the new perspective of existential positive psychology, the following diagram of an inverted pyramid shows the self-transcendence model for organizational success in the post-pandemic era.

It begins with the need to create a positive corporate culture of self-transcendence–losing oneself in serving the common good as a humble servant (Wong, 2012; Wong & Gupta, 2004; Wong & Page, 2003). This change is needed because the old hierarchical structure of command and control is not flexible enough for the brave new world when most people are working remotely and decisions often need to be made quickly on the frontline without going through the long review-and-approve process. Furthermore, in a digital economy, knowledge workers need to develop their leadership potentials to make good decisions as part of a small team in a flat organization.

Another reason for servant leadership is that even in small groups, there is still the problem that different individuals have different ideas; instead of rational discussion of which ideas are the best, the discussion often degenerates into a battle between oversized egos. As a result, valuable time is wasted. That is why it is important to learn how to reduce egotism through the practice of self-transcendence.

Self-transcendence is the natural antidote to the problem of egotism, especially when the ego is taking a beating in the current pandemic crisis. In the above quote, Viktor Frankl (1946/1985) clearly points out the paradox of self-transcendence – one needs to lose one’s ego in order to actualize oneself and advance the common good.

While Frankl discovered the truth of self-transcendence early in his career because of his painful experience with two world wars, Maslow discovered the same thing much later in his career. He found out from his observation that the pursuit of self-actualization is a dead end because actualized people can still be arrogant jerks without the awakening to B-values, such as truth, goodness, and beauty, which are needed to transcend egotism (Koltko-Rivera, 2006; Maslow, 1971).

In Maslow’s revised need pyramid, the highest level of development is self-transcendence. At this stage, a whole new world opens up when we go beyond the inherent limitations of the self as an isolated biological and psychological entity, as illustrated by the following figure.

When self-transcendence is applied to leadership, the implications are huge. In addition to opening up to the mysteries and wonders of the cosmos, thus, tapping into the boundless resources in the transcendental realm, a servant leader is devoted to serving others rather than feeding one’s own ego. Therefore, it is a natural antidote to all the problems coming from egotism – abuse of power, corruption, and violation of public trust. More importantly, self-transcendence demands a quantum shift in our life orientation from asking “What can I get from others?” to “What can I do for others?” Thus, the first principle of meaning is that life is about what I can give rather than what I can get.

A servant leader contributes to good work at three levels (Wong & Roy, 2018):

1. They empower individual workers to develop their full potentials and do their best in spite of difficulties.
2. They unite the team to achieve a common goal in spite of individual differences.
3. They contribute to the greater good of society.

The best part of being a servant leader is that one can have maximum flexibility and emotional agility (David, 2016) because one is freed from the self-made prison of greed and pride. Being selfless, a servant leader has nothing to lose but fear of failure.

According to Tao Te Ching (Anderson, 2021), the main text of Taoism, the way of a servant leader is to be like water. By not exalting oneself and willing to go to lowly place where nobody wants to go, one is able to benefit all the people within the sphere of influence.

In addition to servant leadership, the self-transcendence model includes four modules of values. Each module is referred to as a triangle because it consists of a set of three interrelated rules:

• The Golden Triangle of innate motivation for connections with one’s true self and calling, with other people, and with God or a higher power.
• The Iron Triangle of summoning up one’s courage to face life in its totality, to accept the dark side of human existence, and to transform all painful experiences into triumphs.
• The Executive Triangle of taking the ethical and instrumental responsibility to do the right thing.
• The Creative Triangle of finding a path where there is no path.

Altogether, there are 12 rules as summarized below. Each of these 12 rules can be translated into a skill or competence that enables us to transcend our inherent limitations, vulnerabilities, and external constraints. Thus, self-transcendence is a lifelong learning process of how to grow beyond oneself.

The Golden Triangle represents one’s spiritual yearning for connections, which make us fully functioning human beings. A more detailed graphic representation can be found below, which explains why a meaningful life is based on the universal values of faith, hope, and love. Without these three spiritual qualities, one will continue to feel a nagging inner emptiness no matter how successful one’s life is.

These three golden rules can be viewed as the three spiritual laws essential for human flourishing. Seligman’s (2011) PERMA model may be sufficient to achieve flourishing in times of peace and prosperity, but we need faith, hope, and love to co-create a bit of Heaven in the midst of the worst hell on earth. The golden triangle places us where we belong – a part of God’s creation and a part of the human family. Therefore, our wellbeing is inextricably linked to something much larger than ourselves.

The above meme is just another way to summarize the benefits of the three spiritual laws. Furthermore, the Golden Triangle is always accompanied by the Iron Triangle with courage at its center. Faith in the omnipotent God automatically endows us with the courage because God’s answer is: ” Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” (Deuteronomy 31:6 NIV).

The Iron Triangle recognizes that when control and commitment are no longer possible, one can always resort to the existential courage to accept our hard fate or misfortune and transform the meaning of suffering into a hero’s journey as ways of coping with what is beyond human control (Wong, 2017).

The executive processes, according to the self-transcendence paradigm, are anchored in a strong sense of responsibility – we are both ethically and instrumentally responsible for making the right choice and getting the job done, no matter how difficult the situation. Being a part of the central microprocessors, along with the golden and iron triangles, one receives divine support in one’s daily heroic effort. Thus, self-control, self-determination and self-awareness depend on ego strength (internal control) as much as on trusting in God’s guidance and protection (external control) in a two-dimensional space (Wong & Sproule, 1984).

The last set of microprocessors is known as the Creativity Triangle, whose main function is to find a way out in desperate situations through imagining all possible solutions and finding inspiration from giants in the past or from the treasure trove of ancient wisdoms, such as the Bible or Tao Te Ching.

According to Homer-Dixion (2011), the challenge for the 21^st century is not the shortage of resources but the ingenuity gap. That is why future leaders and workers need to rise to the challenge by dreaming impossible dreams and have the courage take good care of both the environment and the human need for resources.

Unlike the American brand of positive psychology, the self-transcendence paradigm of PP 2.0 focuses on integrating the bright and dark sides of life as two sides of the same coin. In my recent review on Compton’s positive psychology textbook (Wong, 2020b), I singled out Kaufman et al.’s (2019) research on contrasting the light vs. dark triad of personality as an example of PP 2.0. I also suggested the next step in research on the joint effect of light and dark sides of life is as co-variants working together on one’s wellbeing and flourishing.

Conclusions

Throughout my presentation, I emphasized that in the era of post-COVID-19, the inverted pyramid model of servant leadership and self-transcendence is needed because:

• It creates an organizational culture based on connections, resilience, responsibility, and creativity.
• It encourages a leadership style that optimizes flexibility in adaptation to change.
• It empowers workers and develops the potential of human resources.
• It inspires leaders and individuals to face an uncertain future with faith, courage, and ingenuity.
• More importantly, it helps to achieve wellbeing and mature happiness (Wong & Bowers, 2018) through integrating a divided self and a polarized nation.

References

Anderson, R. (2021). The divine feminine Tao Te Ching: A new translation and commentary. Inner Traditions.

Congressional Research Service. (2021). Unemployment rates during the COVID-19 pandemic: In brief. https://fas.org/sgp/crs/misc/R46554.pdf

David, S. (2016). Emotional agility: Get unstuck, embrace change, and thrive in work and life. Avery.

Frankl, V. E. (1946/1985). Man’s search for meaning. Washington Square Press.

Homer-Dixion, T. (2001). The ingenuity gap: Can we solve the problems of the future? Knopf Canada.

Jones, L., Palumbo, D., & Brown, D. (2021). Coronavirus: How the pandemic has changed the world economy. BBC News. https://www.bbc.com/news/business-51706225

Kaufman, S. B., Yaden, D. B., Hyde, E., & Tsukayama, E. (2019). The light vs. dark triad of personality: Contrasting two very different profiles of human nature. Frontiers in Psychology, 10, 467. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2019.00467

Koltko-Rivera, M. E. (2006). Rediscovering the later version of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs: Self-transcendence and opportunities for theory, research, and unification. Review of General Psychology, 10(4), 302-317.

Maslow, A. (1971). Farther reaches of human nature. McGraw-Hill.

New International Version (NIV) Bible. (2011). New International Version (NIV) Bible (Original work published 1978). Biblica.

Seligman, M. E. P. (2011). Flourish: A visionary new understanding of happiness and well-being. New York, NY: Free Press.

Wong, P. T. P. (2012). Positive Management. Presented at the 3rd Australian Conference of Positive Psychology and Wellbeing, Wollongong, Australia. https://www.academia.edu/2997735/Positive_management

Wong, P. T. P. (2017). Coping and stress. In A. Wenzel (Ed.), The SAGE encyclopedia of abnormal and clinical psychology (pp. 886-890). New York, NY: Sage.

Wong, P. T. P. (2020a). President’s Column: 7 Reasons Why the New Normal May Be Good for You. Positive Living Newsletter. http://www.drpaulwong.com/7-reasons-why-the-new-normal-may-be-good-for-you/

Wong, P. T. P. (2020b). The maturing of positive psychology and the emerging PP 2.0 [Book review of Positive Psychology (3rd ed.) by William Compton and Edward Hoffman]. International Journal on WellBeing, 10(1). https://doi.org/10.5502/ijw.v10i1.885

Wong, P. T. P., & Bowers, V. (2018). Mature happiness and global wellbeing in difficult times. In N. R. Silton (Ed.), Scientific concepts behind happiness, kindness, and empathy in contemporary society (pp. 112-134). Hershey, PA: IGI Global.

Wong, P. T. P., & Gupta, V. (2004). The positive psychology of transformative organizations: A fresh perspective and evidence from the Anglo context. In V. Gupta (Ed.). Transformative Organizations. (pp. 341-360). Sage Publications.

Wong, P. T. P., & Page, D. (2003). Servant leadership: An opponent-process model and the revised servant leadership profile. Presented at the servant leadership roundtable. http://www.drpaulwong.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/Wong-Servant-Leadership-An-Opponent-Process-Model.pdf

Wong, P. T. P., & Roy, S. (2018). Critique of positive psychology and positive interventions. In N. J. L. Brown, T. Lomas, & F. J. Eiroa-Orosa (Eds.), Routledge international handbooks. The Routledge international handbook of critical positive psychology (pp. 142–160). Routledge/Taylor & Francis Group.

Wong, P. T. P., & Sproule, C. F. (1984). Attributional analysis of locus of control and the Trent Attribution Profile (TAP). In H. M. Lefcourt (Ed.), Research with the locus of control construct (Vol. 3): Limitations and extensions (pp. 309-360). New York, NY: Academic Press.

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In the positive approach, however, personality is defined by the presence of autonomy, uniqueness, authenticity, and psychological growth (often construed as self-actualization), and by the ability to master one’s environment. Dąbrowski emphasized a self-aware and self-chosen personality, including a unique hierarchy of values, aims, and goals based upon one’s essential characteristics and one’s creation of a personality ideal for oneself. This approach to defining personality complicates the traditional binary assessment categories of being either adjusted or maladjusted.

Dąbrowski created a new model of adjustment that considers the wider variance of a positive approach and creates a more subtle and nuanced approach to adjustment. He proposed two types of adjustment and two types of maladjustment.

• Positive adjustment. Adjustment to what ought to be, to one’s personality ideal, a mastery of oneself and conformity to what one believes one ought to do in life. Positive adjustment allows one’s higher sense of self to guide behavior and how one treats others in society. Good behaviour for the right reasons.
• Negative adjustment. A robotic acceptance and conformity to one’s social and cultural mores without any deep reflection or modifications based upon one’s own personality characteristics. This form of adjustment reflects Nietzsche’s “herd personality.” As Dąbrowski used to say, “To be adjusted to a sick society is to be sick.” Good behaviour for the wrong reasons.
• Positive maladjustment. In personal development, an individual will often come into conflict with his or her society. When one sees “what is,” one must often reject it based upon one’s inner sense of how the world “ought to be.” This maladjustment occurs on two levels; on a social and macrolevel as just stated—when one rejects “what is” in favour of “what ought to be.” The second level is a personal microlevel where one evaluates and rejects what is “less myself” and accepts or works to develop what is “more myself.” In this way, one moves closer and closer to one’s personality ideal. The idea of positive maladjustment requires a closer examination of maladjusted behaviour. Is the behaviour simply maladaptive, or are there deeper motivations that make the maladaptation positive and developmental? For Dąbrowski, positive maladjustment is a vital component in the developmental process of an individual. Bad behaviour for the right reasons.
• Negative maladjustment. This reflects what we traditionally conceive of as antisocial and criminal behaviour. Bad behaviour for the wrong reasons.

These four approaches to adjustment are also helpful for us in understanding Dąbrowski’s developmental process of positive disintegration. Consider the example of Mary, a well socialized young woman (displaying negative adjustment) but who is very unhappy with life. Life just doesn’t seem to be turning out the way it ought to be. The main problem is religion: Mom and dad were strict adherents to a religion.

As a child, Mary attended services regularly with her parents and, as a teenager, was a volunteer at the Church. But now, after going to university for a year and living on her own, Mary didn’t feel right attending church for some reason. She had gone on her own many times, but it just didn’t feel the same. During that first year of university she had met many people and formed some good friendships; she had long discussions about all kinds of topics with her new friends. She began to question her faith and came to realize that she had been emulating the faith of her parents and that her deep beliefs were different. She wasn’t quite sure how they were different; she just knew they were. She decided not to go back to church (positive maladjustment).

This decision caused an existential crisis for Mary. She felt lost because she didn’t feel connected to the faith that she had relied upon, and yet she didn’t have a clear answer in terms of exactly how she felt about her beliefs. It was a confusing situation to be in, a feeling she described as “having lost the past without yet seeing the future.” She also had a crisis brewing in terms of her relationship to mom and dad — how was she going to tell them? They would probably disown her!

On summer break, Mary summoned her strength and sat down with her parents, telling them that she had the most frightening thing in her life to tell them. She blurted out how she felt and had to risk her relationship with her parents to be true to herself. Mary was shocked when her mother said, “Yes, I myself had the same experience. When I was a child, my parents raised me in a different religion, and it took me a long time to decide how I felt and where I should go with my faith. I ended up meeting your father at this new church, and it became a central part of our lives and, later, your life.” Mary looked over and to her relief, her father was nodding his head in the affirmative. Her mother went on to say that as an adult now, Mary had many decisions that she would have to wrestle with and make many decisions with only her feelings to guide her. Her mother emphasized that religion was one of those things that could not be decided logically or by information—it was not a decision about what kind of car to buy—faith was one of those things that you have to feel from within. Mary shared her confusion and again, her mother was empathetic and supportive. Her mother’s advice was not to be in a hurry, but to consider many different possibilities and see which seemed to fit her personality and her feelings least, and to see which fit her best in order to help her decide. Clearly, after their conversation, Mary was on her way to creating a personal and unique value hierarchy that would come to reflect who she is and how she feels. In other words, she was on her way to positive adjustment.

As this vignette illustrates, often the comfort and stability of one’s day-to-day life comes into conflict with one’s development. The conformity and commitment one takes for granted may have to crumble for the sake of one’s development. This is a stressful and chaotic experience, one that must be resolved through growth — through the development of a replacement foundation upon which one can build one’s life.

The successful navigation of this type of crisis is what Dąbrowski called positive disintegration.

In Dąbrowski’s vision of development, an individual will typically go through a number of partial disintegrations, of varying degrees of intensity, on different dimensions. Each partial disintegration and subsequent reintegration on a higher level contributes to establishing a secondary integration based upon positive adjustment. In some cases, disintegrations may be more global and impact many aspects of a person’s life all at once. For Dąbrowski, mental health involves a transition from one’s first primary integration (characterized by negative adjustment to external standards and mores), through the process of positive disintegration, ultimately culminating in a secondary integration (characterized by positive adjustment to one’s personality ideal).

In our next column we will examine the difficult question: Why don’t more people develop autonomy?

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This book provides an “existential positive psychology framework” (p. 3) for mental health clinicians whose clients are struggling with issues that have no solution or hope of resolve. The framework helps these clients learn to live positively, in spite of their suffering.

The husband-and-wife authors—a clinical psychologist and a clinical social worker—explain that their personal suffering catalyzed writing the book. One of the author’s brothers died of a genetic medical condition, and the doctors warned the author that he could also have inherited the disease. One more complication was the doctor’s warning that having kids was too risky. Years later, under medical advice, the authors planned a family but were infertile. “Our story was not a cognitive distortion; our suffering was not a set of irrational thoughts that needed to be corrected. No amount of therapeutic mental gymnastics could make us feel unbroken” (p. 4).

Mainstream psychological therapies, say the authors, offer little help to those suffering from irremediable conditions. “Boiled down to its most basic level, many clinical approaches view suffering as a problem to be fixed, and then, once the symptoms subside, disregard the effect of the event itself” (p. 5). The authors argue that we need another form of therapy, one focused on meaning.

Meaning, for the authors, is about coherence (making sense of one’s life), significance (feeling that my life matters), and purpose (choosing a direction). Yet for those plunged into life-altering conditions, a felt sense of meaningful living disappears. They suffer from “existential themes”: groundlessness (loss of control, burden of freedom), isolation (being alone), identity (determining who I am), and death (loss). How does one find direction in life when they struggle to answer Who am I? How does one feel their life is significant when they feel their lives are out of control? How does one make sense of one’s life when the ground under them feels marshy?

The clinical framework to help such clients is a five-phase plan, couched in a sunset to daylight metaphor:

• Sunset (“the sting of suffering”): Typically, clients feel senseless and out of control, and they develop a negative self-view. Their assumptions of who they are and what their world is like are shattered. The authors borrow the term depressive realism to describe this phase. The idea of depressive realism is that having a low mood enhances the ability to see the world (and one’s self) more objectively and accurately. The role of the therapist is to understand how clients make sense of things and help them stabilize.
• Dusk (“into the darkness”): The goal of this phase is acceptance of reality. Whatever coping skills clients have relied on—problem-focused, emotion-focused, or avoidance—no longer work for them. They feel the depth of their suffering but cannot name it and so cannot explore it. This is a difficult phase for clients, and the therapist helps them learn emotion self-regulation. Emotion regulation is required to face struggles and work through them, which the authors describe as “Pushing into the pain” (p. 66).
• Midnight (“the deconstruction process”): Most (mainstream) therapies end before this phase. Yet, it is precisely at this point that clients actively question many of their deeply held beliefs, which no longer resonate with their reality. Such reflection “will begin to rid themselves of whatever does not feel authentic” (p. 79). The therapist helps the client actively question how they have been making sense of their suffering, themselves, and the world around them.
• Dawn (“the reconstruction process”): The client reconstructs beliefs, but this time in ways that are authentic to their suffering. This process helps clients “revise their identity” (p. 14). This phase is essential for the client to develop autonomy, becoming the active authors of their lives. The therapist helps clients through this phase by guiding clients on revising their narratives.
• Daylight (“living authentically”): “Choosing a life that fits with their revised beliefs and identity” (p. 14). The therapist supports clients in their revised identities and realities.

This five-phase plan aims to help clients by “building meaning in life” (p. 12), and specifically finding meaning in their suffering. The authors tell us that meaning is so important because (1) research suggests it is integral to positive client outcomes; and (2) “meaning can transform already deeply painful experiences into something more without invalidating or excusing them” (p. 12). Essentially, if a client finds meaning in suffering, then they are able to transcend it.

As clinicians, the authors are more interested in practice than theory. This is not a book probing into the nature of meaning and purpose. To that end, many of the theories they cite are touched on only briefly, such as Dweck’s growth versus fixed mindset or Rotter’s locus of control. We don’t know why the authors looked to Dweck and Rotter, rather than others. Similarly, we don’t find much exploration into the nature of the research presented to support each of their therapeutic phases.

But the book’s purpose is not to deal with these issues. It’s intended to show therapists how to work with suffering at an existential level. And it regularly cautions therapists that existential issues are very human ones, which affect the therapist as much as they do the client. Working with clients whose problems are life-changing demands the clinicians, themselves, explore the meaning they give to these clients and their problems.

On a personal note, what is particularly fascinating about the phases of therapy is that they are similar to the program I developed at a residential facility for men suffering from addiction and other mental health issues. I have never met the authors or read their work before reading The Courage to Suffer. Yet the authors’ therapeutic direction—experiencing shattered assumptions about self and world, accepting reality no matter how bleak, deconstructing current narratives, reconstructing new life narratives, and supporting clients in their new ways of making sense of themselves and the world—are precisely how we help clients.

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“So if you want to know the truth about the universe, about the meaning of life, and about your own identity, the best place to start is by observing suffering and exploring what it is.”

Yuval Noha Harari, 21 Lessons for the 21^st Century

Today, we often see suffering as unnecessary or unfair. Pharmaceutical advertisements tell us that we need not suffer because relief is only a pill away. Similarly, troubled souls seek out therapists to ease their suffering. Television shows and courtrooms play out malevolent acts against the innocent. Suffering is an abnormal condition that leads only to misery.

Yet, is our modern tendency to see suffering as abnormal and without value an accurate description? Harari’s lesson, above, hints that suffering, far from being optional or aberrant, is natural. It hints of the necessity to recognize that suffering is central to what it means to be human, and the study of suffering can help us better understand human nature.

Exploring Suffering

Compared to explorations of suffering in philosophy, which go back millennia, psychological studies are only a few decades old. Although much research is needed, we know from previous explorations that suffering is hardly simple or one-dimensional.

Eric Cassell’s (1981/2004) influential book, The Nature of Suffering and the Goals of Medicine, lamented that medical doctors have a weak understanding of suffering. Medical training teaches doctors to anatomize patients, abstracting a small, circumscribed part from the whole human being. The anatomizing is useful for “[understanding] pain, difficulties in breathing, and other afflictions of the body; for [understanding] suffering, no” (p. 205). Suffering, for Cassell, focused on the individual’s experience, how the person made sense of their suffering, and how cultural patterns and beliefs influenced the individual’s experience of suffering. Proper medical treatment for suffering, he said, demanded the physician attend to these various factors, to the meanings the person gave to their misery.

Similarly, Brinkmann (2014) argued that the biomedical interpretation of suffering in cases of mental health was too limiting. Since 1980, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), essentially the psychiatrist’s bible, views a person as a neurochemical self, where suffering arises from an abnormal condition, which makes the person different from regular people. According to the DSM, we’re not whole human beings. The DSM view has now travelled far beyond psychiatry. Any of us can complete an online test and discover if we’re depressed or anxious or have an addiction. And we can apply the DSM to others. Internet blogs are filled with instructions on how we can learn if we’re in a relationship with a narcissist or sociopath. The DSM has become part of how we define ourselves, including personal identity. (Since 1980, the DSM has substituted the context of a person’s suffering with a specified set of symptoms.)

Both Cassell and Brinkmann pointed out that the lens through which the medical profession sees suffering is too narrow to capture the psychological and cultural influences that define suffering. Philosopher Bueno-Gomez (2017) echoed their view, suggesting that modern medicine fails to sufficiently account for “symbolic, subjective, and meaningful dimensions of pain and suffering” (n.p.).

Suffering has a moral coloring. Gray and Wegner (2017) pointed out that people look for agency in positive or negative experiences. When no agentic entity or condition is present, they often ascribe it to God (especially if the experience is negative). “Although it might be handy to find an agent behind a moving bush, it is only when that moving bush invokes our moral judgments by hurting or helping that people are compelled to locate an agent” (p. 10).

Suffering has a relational element. Boston, Bruce, and Schreiber (2011) suggested suffering is a loss of connection with self, others, the phenomenal world, and ultimate meaning.

And there are many more principles—suffering is holistic, experienced individually, and so on. It seems that suffering stamps itself onto various aspects of the individual’s life.

The Value of Suffering

The media routinely interview victims of crime or disaster, who tell us that their lives have been irreparably damaged. Yet we now have evidence that suffering can help us improve our lives—if we are open to it. This is not to say that suffering is all good or to encourage anyone to suffer; rather, it is a recognition that suffering is natural and it seems beneficial to use it to our advantage.

Frankl maintained that in suffering the individual is provided the opportunity to realize his or her essential freedom to choose the meaning of that suffering, as well as the meaning of his or her life. Thus, Frankl (1986) could say that “human life can be fulfilled not only in creating and enjoying, but also in suffering” (p. 106).

Psychologists now routinely point out that it is through suffering that we grow as individuals. In the introduction to their book, Frailty, suffering, and vice: Flourishing in the face of human limitations, Fowers, Richardson, and Slife (2017) wrote:

The key message of this book is that it is neither necessary nor desirable to eliminate human struggles and frailties to pursue a flourishing life. In fact, we aim to show that the proper responses to human limitations are actually the best pathway to a flourishing human life. Learning and growing from difficulties is a vital pathway to flourishing that may appear more indirect than the more commonly discussed direct pathway, but it is one that is far more inclusive of human experience.

Fowers, Richardson, and Slife’s “proper responses” are essentially choices. One choice is to wallow in suffering, finding no meaning in it, and falling prey to misery. Other choices lead to better life, such as spurring the need to develop authentic connections with others (Boston, Bruce, Schreiber, 2011), feeling a sense of shared humanity by joining with other suffering people (Hoffman & Paige, 2017), promoting posttraumatic growth (Zieba, Wiechec, Bieganska-Banas, & Mieleszczendo-Dowszewicz, 2019), and developing patience (Schnitker, Houltberg, Dyrness, & Redmond, 2017).

Conclusion

The idea that suffering is a problem in this person or that person, which makes them different from normal people, is highly questionable. From his perspective of existential therapy, Hoffman (2017) stated:

A foundational assumption with psychological diagnosis is that there is something different in people experiencing a particular type of psychological problem that causes their suffering. An existential perspective on diagnosis is different. It assumes that an individual’s suffering is rooted in their existence. (p. 3)

Rooted in existence as it is, “suffering unites people in a shared humanity” (p. 3).

References

Boston, P., Bruce, A., & Schreiber, R. (2011). Existential suffering in the palliative care setting: An integrated literature review. Journal of Pain and Symptom Management, 41(3), 604–617.

Brinkmann, S. (2014). Languages of suffering. Theory & Psychology, 24(5), 630–648. Doi: 10.1177/0959354314531523

Bueno-Gomez, N. (2017). Conceptualizing suffering and pain. Philosophy, Ethics, and Humanities in Medicine, 12(7). [Open Access] Doi:10.1186/s13010-017-0049-5

Cassell, E. J. (2004). The nature of suffering and the goals of medicine (2^nd ed.). Oxford University Press. Originally published 1981.

Fowers, B. J., Richardson, F. C., & Slife, B. D. (2017). Frailty, suffering, and vice: Flourishing in the face of human limitations. Washington, DC: American Psychological Association.

Frankl, V. E. (1986). The doctor and the soul: From psychotherapy to logotherapy (3^rd ed.). New York: Vintage.

Gray, K., and Wegner, D. M. (2010). Blaming God for our pain: Human suffering and the divine mind. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 14(1), 7–16. Doi: 10.1177/1088868309350299

Hoffman, L., and Paige, J. (2017). Varieties of suffering and meaning: Clinical implications. Proceedings of the 2016 Meaning Conference. Journal of Existential Psychology & Psychotherapy, Special Issue. Toronto, ON.

Schnitker, S. A., Houltberg, B., Dyrness, W., & Redmond, N. (2017). The virtue of patience, spirituality, and suffering: Integrating lessons from positive psychology, psychology of religion, and Christian theology. Psychology of Religion and Spirituality, 9(3), 264–275. Doi: 10.1037/re10000099

Zieba, M., Wiechec, K., Bieganska-Banas, J., & Mieleszczendo-Dowszewicz, W. (2019). Coexistence of post-traumatic growth and post-traumatic depreciation in the aftermath of trauma: Qualitative and quantitative narrative analysis. Frontiers in Psychology, 10. Doi: 10.3389/fpsyg.2019.00687

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Those two words – integrity and honesty – remind me first of all of my grand-father: A jurisconsult, father of 14 children, throughout his life he has always emphasized honesty and character strength.

Integrity for me is the state of being whole: morally, spiritually, with one’s inner core intact, sound and deeply rooted in tradition. Other connotations can be found on the Oxford Thesaurus, American Edition: “probity, honesty, honor, rectitude, morality, decency, virtue, incorruptibility, righteousness”…

What is the root of integrity? It lies in the sacred realm of our souls. When we think we are created at the image of God, the Almighty, we cannot prevent from feeling a sense of wonder before all potential and capacity for us to reach the depths of our meaning as human beings and act accordingly.

Rabbi Henry I. Sobel, commented on February 15 Parashah Tetsaveh, with the article: “The Inner Light”: “When we behold the Eternal Light which shines constantly over the Sacred Arc, at the Synagogue, may we remember the internal light which illuminates our being and follows us every moment.”

This is the criterium for us to think and act. It is the inner motion, inspired by the Spirit of God, which opens our eyes for a fair judgement and in accordance with truth. That is the “Law with capital L”, originated in the Bible and the Talmud, and the “Law to be applied,” according to Professor Hanina ben Menachem.

In our world it is not always easy to act with honor. In the corporate world, politics and economics, and other realms, one is often impelled to make a choice between one’s own values and the trend to seek profit at all costs. There is an inner clock which signals in our conscious mind what is the right path. The balance of Justice needs to be a beam in all public and private decision making. Doing the right thing often demands effort, endurance, resilience, and detachment from the opinion of others.

Another way of measuring integrity and honesty is by being true to our values, our soul, our commitments, our relationships. I can recall that my grand-father has never accepted a cause which would not fully comply with strict and sound ethical terms.

We need also instill our values in our children and youth, from generation to generation. It is our deep commitment that when building a family, we prepare them to be citizens of the world and children of God. Our motives need to be straightforward in our interactions. Our faithfulness needs to be uncontestable before the eyes of those who look up to us for a role model in family and society.

Finally, we need to forge our souls in everyday choices, which attest of the rectitude we act with. Our words and deeds need to christalize into a mirror which will reflect truth, wisdom, devotion, integrity, purety of soul, religious commitments and our highest values.

And we all need to be grateful to our Lord for the seeds of truth and trust sown in our path throughout the years. That is the greatest legacy we can receive and leave for our children together with our longings for a peaceful world where everyone will be One in our Lord.

“God of our ancestors, Lord of mercy,
who by your word has made all things,
and in your wisdom has fitted man
to rule the creatures that have come from you,
to govern the world in holiness and justice
and in honesty of soul to wield authority,
grant me Wisdom, consort of your throne,
and do not reject me from the number of your children”.
(Wisdom: 9:1-4).

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Some forms of empathy may be built-in from birth, such as infants crying in response to hearing the cries of another infant. Also, there is evidence that empathy may increase through adolescence and later. Perhaps some individuals are more constitutionally predisposed to experience empathy than others. However, whether it is innate, or a matter of development and maturation, or simply temperament and personality, empathy changes the quality of our lives and the lives of those around us.

Yet what happens when empathy is delayed and when it is experienced in retrospect? Often persons do not realize what others have gone through until they have experienced similar events in their own lives. This experience seems to be empathy just as much as identifying with another person in the immediate moment. Yet, just as it is similar to empathy, it is also different, and it reverberates powerfully. My colleague and I at Rockford College are learning about this after-the-fact type of empathy and are calling it “deferred empathy.” We first became attuned to this concept in life review groups that we conducted in the community. Repeatedly, individuals would remark that they now understood many situations that they previously did not. For example, they now knew why their parents behaved as they did, since they had experienced similar situations as parents themselves.

At this point we have surveyed over 200 individuals in three age groups: young adults, middle-aged adults, and older adults, asking them about their experiences with deferred empathy. All these individuals have been able to point to instances in their lives when they revised their opinion of others and became more empathic. However, the new perspective may serve different purposes at various ages. Young adults have tended to give examples that help them adapt to adult roles.

For example, a 21-year old male explained to us that he now understood his parents’ frugality, which had always angered him: “I [now] realize that it is hard to pay bills and still keep enough spending money for myself.” Older adults have been more likely to explain that deferred empathy helps integrate the past and present with meaning.

An 81-year old woman related that earlier she had not been able to understand why her mother had so fiercely resisted giving up her independence. Yet when she herself entered old age she had empathy: “Once you experience the same feelings…you can understand why she felt and acted as she did.” Sometimes the responses have been especially poignant, indicating a significant re-integration in the person’s life.

A 48-year old woman told this story: “In my early twenties, I could often be heard expressing my opinion about women who stay in abusive relationships, with an insensitivity springing from youthful confidence. I could not understand why anyone would choose that lifestyle. At twenty-eight, I was in what I considered to be my prime. I was in a successful job, financially secure, physically attractive and very confident. By the end of that same year, I was in an abusive relationship where I was to remain for one year. There comes a turning point in one of these relationships when a woman realizes that she must break free soon or it will be too late…I ached to think of the unfair judgments I had made about women I had known or even heard about in a similar position…Now, I try never to assume that things are as they appear. I continually try to imagine what someone else may be feeling or thinking so that it might guide my tongue or my actions and possibly explain theirs.”

Deferred empathy may be the bridge to a higher level of personal integration and maturity. It may be a way to find meaning from the past and to put it into usable form in the present. Also, it seems to be closely related to forgiveness. Whatever personal interpretation an individual may give to this experience, it appears to have a life-changing effect.

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